These two really clicked. I was happy for them.

Three times this month I sat down to write a review, and three times I fell asleep in my chair before I typed my 100th word.  I’m not apologizing for this; I owe you people nothing and I’ve been very tired lately.  Just know that I have four reviews on the back-burner, and I’ve not forgotten them.  My intention is for June to be a busy month here at the SFC.  I know you’re all looking forward to that Priest review.  I say to you, you shall have it!

But not yet.  Not yet….

What can you say about a guy like Thor?  Not much, unfortunately.  And therein lies the problem.  It’s pretty hard to get behind a hero who has no personality to speak of.  Even the comic book version of Thor was never especially interesting to me.  He’s arrogant, he’s strong, and……thats it.  Oh, and his power comes from a hammer.  Not the most engaging of characters as far as I’m concerned. 

A couple of months ago I took stock of all the comic book movies coming out this summer and concluded that none of them were likely to be very good.  I’ve never been interested in Thor or Captain America and Ryan Reynolds as my boy Hal Jordan is a travesty.  This X-Men movie actually looks interesting (god help me), but is more likely to continue that franchise’s laughable descent.  I told myself I was only going to see two of these movies.  That seemed like a reasonable compromise.  Then the first (and possibly stupidest) one comes out and I wander into the nearest theater like a zombie.  I can make no headway against these bad movie yearnings.  None. 

There were a few things I liked about Thor.  A scant few.  They are as follows:

1. Asgard- I’m a sucker for sweeping shots of mythical realms, even if they are CGI.
2. Idris Elba- I like Idris Elba.  Seeing him in gold armor with a sword was muy bueno.
3. Portman’s reaction when they hit Thor in their car was, I thought, perfect.  Kinda made me laugh, even.

That’s it.  Pretty much everything else was bad.  Or if not bad, mediocre.  Hopkins was fine I guess.  I’m certainly not going to accuse an accomplished pervert like that of mediocrity.  His acting is starting to feel like shtick though.  Doesn’t delight me as it once did. 

I’m also not going to hate on Chris Hemsworth’s performance as the title character, because I feel like he did what they asked him to.  Had blond hair, got really jacked.  Like, crazy jacked.  I always chuckle the first time a male lead takes his shirt off these days.  Every one of them is as chiselled as Arnold was in The Terminator.  Imagine if when you’d first seen that movie, someone would’ve told you in 20 years time all actors’ bodies would look like that.  It would’ve seemed inconceivable.  Yet here we are.  Progress!

When it comes down to it this movie just doesn’t do anything for you.  It has that strange combination of feeling long and yet uneventful that has somehow become common in super-hero movies.  You feel like you’ve been in the theater forever, and yet you can’t recall much happening.  Fantastic Four was the first movie I saw that really captured this empty feeling.  These movies are like cotton candy: they seem plenty big, but when consumed shrink to almost nothing and inevitably leave you unfulfilled.

I get really frustrated when a movie intentionally wastes time.  Filler should not exist in cinema.  If a movie needs filler, it shouldn’t have been made.  If a writer and director are worth a shit they should be cutting down to two hours, not trying to stretch an hour into two.  Thor devotes a full five minutes to the hero wolfing down plates of food in a diner while Portman and co. give each other looks like “Who is this guy?!?”

Equally frustrating are the smiley-scenes.  See, Thor and Portman are falling in love.  You know how it is when you’re falling in love with someone you’ve only known for a day: all smiles.  Just looking at each other and grinning.  Words not always necessary. 

Still, the most annoying aspect of this one for me was, by far, it girl wannabe Kat Dennings*, otherwise known as the not-very-likable daughter from 40-Year-Old Virgin.   I didn’t get the memo, but apparently Hollywood has decided she’s funny now.  Girlfriend was wisecrackin’ all over this one, lemme tell ya.  She was the principal comic relief.  A girl who has probably never said anything legitimately funny in her life is plugged in as the funnyman on a movie with an endless budget.  That’s where we’re at. 

*Guess what gang?  Someone hacked into her cell-phone and stole naked pictures of her!  And boy is she steamed!  Definitely NOT INTENTIONAL.  These pictures were for PERSONAL USE ONLY guys.  Seriously, whoever stole them from her is fucked up.  That is some fucked up shit.  But at the same time, the fact that she took these pictures, I don’t know, it adds a certain edge, right?  And if that edge should happen to be profitable for her, then so much the better.  But to suggest she did this intentionally?  Come on guys, grow up.  We’re talking about the funny girl from Thor here, she wouldn’t do something like that. 

Even the villain just wasn’t very cool.  Loki?  Really?  Reminded me of the dude who played Ozymandias in Watchmen.  Was it the same guy?  I’m purposefully not going to look that up.  Lets discuss it!

I can’t in good conscience recommend Thor even to my nerdiest of friends.  It is folly.  Makes me wonder about Portman a little, too.  The same actress from Black Swan wanted to be in this movie?  That just doesn’t make sense to me.  Surely these people have goals for their careers, right?  Directions they want to go?  Dreams they want to chase other than “be famous” and “make money?” 

Sorry Hollywood, that was out of line.  Please accept my apologies for offending you.  “And behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you” (Judges 19:24)

Oh and also, Ray Stevenson again.  I feel like he’s following me.

I walked out of Sucker Punch thinking I might’ve just seen a good movie.  Couldn’t be sure though.  I’d gotten extremely stoney beforehand.  This was intentional.  I wanted to give the visuals every chance to wow me and the best way to facilitate that is to go in so spooney you can barely follow the plot.  I smoked six batties on the walk from the subway to the theater.  My googly-eyed goal was accomplished, but the unfortunate side-effect is I don’t have a very firm grasp on the actual quality of the first hour or so of the movie.  I was lookin’, not thinkin’. 

I broached the subject at my trivia night  and the crowd was incredulous.  No, this movie was not good, they insisted.  It couldn’t have been.  Critics agreed.  I was officially not sure enough of myself to comment on a movie I’d just seen.  A weird place to be.  Didn’t want people to think I was uncool, you know?  So I’ve mostly kept mum.

But now your boy is ready to speak up, and I’ll start here: these girls are super, super hot.  Like, crazy hot.  I honestly wasn’t expecting that.  The subway posters made them all look like teenagers, which isn’t my cup of tea (yet).  In reality none of these girls are younger than 23, and the average age is 26.  Girls in their twenties dressing like teenagers?  Thats more like it.

Naturally, I had my worries that this would be a girl power extravaganza.  Those worries proved to be unfounded.  The female heroines are most often portrayed frightened and vulnerable.  The fantastical action scenes featured in the ad campaign only account for a fraction of the film.  Most of it takes place in a 20s-style brothel setting.  And both of these are actually fantasy worlds inside the head of a newly interred mental patient in a 1960s asylum.  It sounds more confusing than it is.  A girl gets unjustly institutionalized and creates a fantasy world to cope with it.  Pretty easy to follow.

I’m not gonna lie to you and say the plot or acting are good.  They are not.  Emily Browning in the lead role is straight-up unfortunate.  Wooden, not particularly likable.  Even her shy act wasn’t that convincing.  Of the five girls she was easily the worst actress.  Arguably the worst-looking too, which I only mention because a surprising amount of the film dwells on how much hotter she’s supposed to be than everyone else.  Given that, I thought this actress was an odd choice.  I’d be interested to hear from anyone else who saw this movie and has an opinion on her. 

Most of the others were good enough, although I don’t see any stoneys being handed out here.  Abby Cornish (hotter than shit) as Sweat Pea was probably the best, and even she didn’t exactly wow me.  Vanessa Hudgens and Jamie Chung* are fantastic, top-of-the-line eye candy whose characters are barely developed.  They are meant to look amazing, and they do.  They really, really do.  Zack Snyder must have an eye for hot chicks.  Lord knows he’s scoring points continually casting my girl Carla Gugino. 

*Also known as Jamie from the Real World San Diego.  I didn’t piece this together until the very end.  She’s way hotter than I remember.  At the time I was all about Robin(‘s fake boobs), and to a lesser extent Cameron.  Now Robin is sobbing into an ashtray somewhere and Jamie is the most tantalizing eye-candy in a movie full of it.  And she’s, like, a borderline successful actress?  How did this fly under my radar?  Every Real World cast member for the last fifteen years has been shamelessly trying to become an actor or actress and this girl actually did it?  Hey, good for her.  She seemed to humiliate herself a little less than the rest of her reality TV colleagues along the way.  Maybe that was the key. 

I think I might be a fan of Zack Snyder.  I realize he hasn’t exactly killed it so far, but I think he has good works ahead of him.  Watchmen was mighty fine (and I’m a nerdy fanboy of the graphic novel so I was ready to cross my arms and shake my head).  I’m not a huge fan of 300 and its weird he directed that owl movie, but I’m willing to bet he’s trending up.  His next project is the Superman remake with Christopher Nolan as producer.  That is sure to be a success.  And after seeing Sucker Punch, I think I have a good feel for his strengths. 

He may not be an innovator, but I see Snyder as a guy who will consistently get the job done.  His movies always look pretty cool.  He makes interesting casting decisions rather than going for the big stars.  You’ll see some familiar faces, and they’ll be faces you’re pleasantly surprised to see.  The colors always pop and contrast well with each other.  The soundtrack will be good, but not great. 

To be clear, I don’t see Snyder ever winning, or deserving , an oscar.  But I do see him directing movies I see and enjoy.  Sucker Punch falls into that category.  Great scenery of all kinds.  The sets, the chicks, and the special effects.  When I like the way a film looks I’m less inclined to sweat the other stuff.  I guess thats what seeing this movie was: a lesson in not sweating the other stuff.

I’l leave you with this scintillating tidbit: This film lives up to its name.  There is, indeed, a cinematic sucker punch, and it’s delivered by none other than Jon Hamm.  If that doesn’t interest you, I don’t know what will.

If I was just a little dumber, I’d probably really like Ray Stevenson.  I already almost do.   And In Kill the Irishman, he managed to toe the line between affable and murderer pretty well.  Not that thats especially hard to do.  It’s actually really easy, come to think of it.  The lovable scamp criminal is a fixture of modern cinema. 

I have two main problems with Stevenson.  One: he isn’t a good actor.  Two: he is an actor.

Allow me to explain.  Actors are not tough.  They’re the opposite of tough.  Not that I place a lot of stock in toughness (outside the cage).  But whenever an actor tries to make a name for himself specifically as a badass I just think it comes off unbelievably lame.   For me this all started with Sam Jackson constantly being referred to (and referring to himself) as a “bad motherfucker.”  Even then, over a decade ago, my reaction was “Yeah right dude, you’re not a badass.  You pretend to be fictional badasses.”  And thats pretty much how I feel about Ray Stevenson, too. 

Hey, maybe he actually does, I don’t know, fight people or whatever.  I’m pretty sure he doesn’t, but even if he did it wouldn’t change much for me.  It would just be a different can of worms.  An actor trying to typecast himself as a badass is lame even if he actually is one.  That’s my feeling on the matter. 

As to his acting abilities, they’re extremely limited.  I used to love him as Titus Pullo in Rome.  But both he and the guy who played Lucius Vorenus are really pretty bad actors.  The beauty of the set and the richness of the material cover for them at first, but when you start to watch these episodes for the second time it becomes obvious both of those guys, and Stevenson in particular, were far from impressive.  Some of their scenes together are borderline laughable.  And I love that show. 

Kill the Irishman was by no means his worst work.  In fact, I enjoyed it.  But I’ve had some people assume I’m a big Ray Stevenson fan, and I want to go on the record and say that is not the case. 

I’ll tell you who I am a fan of: Val Kilmer.  He’s in it.  As are Christopher Walken and Vincent D’Onofrio.  Pretty interesting cast, I thought*.  Kilmer is Kilmer.  Walken has some funny parts.  D’Onofrio brings his usual  brand of confused facial expressions.  Vinnie Jones was also in da how.  I’d really like to know which of these guys, if any, were hanging out together during filming.  A Kilmer/Walken hang in particular would be fascinating. 

*The exception to this being that douchebag Guido Steve Schirripa.  “Hey, check me out, I’m fat!  I’m Italian!”  Barf.  The guy “wrote” a “book” called The Goomba’s Guide to Life.  Shameless.  Fuck him. 

This movie tells the story of Danny Greene, an Irish gangster who went up against the mafia in Cleveland in the 70s.  Obviously a little before my time, but I gather this guy was somewhat of a household name back then.  36 car bombs went off in the Cleveland mob wars in 1976 alone.  Greene survived countless assassination attempts, and even killed several of the assassins the mob sent for him.  In 1977 he was finally killed, but the war he’d started crippled the mob in Cleveland, and they never really recovered.  It’s a pretty cool story.  Inspired a book entitled To Kill The Irishman: The War that Crippled the Mafia.  If I ever stumble across it in my travels, it will be purchased and read.

My main problem with the movie was that it seemed all too willing to sacrifice historical accuracy in the name of an easy-to-digest narrative.  I guess you could probably say the same of every mob movie to an extent, but the good ones always seem very genuine and unique.  Kill the Irishman borrows from the genre a little too much.  As opposed to something like Goodfellas, which never really gives you what you want or expect.  That movie ends with Liotta’s character living a dull, normal life full of regret.  Nobody would’ve written that, but the fact that it’s actually what happened makes it much more interesting.  Kill the Irishman‘s ending can be predicted five minutes in.  Very obvious, very contrived. 

Ending aside, director Jonathan Hensleigh* deserves some dap for managing to avoid a few common mistakes.  First, he didn’t try to play up how much Greene and his wife loved each other.  Didn’t try to make a cookie-cutter romance where there wasn’t one.  I’m tired of every movie having to be about the greatest love ever known.  You shouldn’t be subjected to that onscreen unless it’s what you’re going to the movie for.  You go see fucking Pattinson and Reese Witherspoon in Water for Elephants (stupidest title ever?) and you’ve signed up for some love-at-first-sight-that-lasts-forever-and-burns-with-the-passion-of-a-thousand-suns boo-shit.  A mob movie shouldn’t feel obligated to cram that down our throats.  Thankfully, this one doesn’t.  Greene’s first wife and children play a very small role, as does his later romantic interest. 

*Hensleigh hasn’t done much directing, but check out these hilarious writing credits!  The Punisher (Tom Jane version), The Saint, Next, Armageddon, Jumanji, Die Hard: With a Vengeance.  That right there is a rap-sheet worthy of some discussion

The other mistake Hensligh avoided was the unknown side-character ridiculous death scene.  You know, the one that goes for the heartstrings but misses the mark so badly its laughable?  These are becoming increasingly common.  Almost every action movie comes equipped with one.  Sometimes its a character you don’t even recognize.  Kill the Irishman features numerous deaths, but other than Greene’s they’re all handled in more or less the right way.  The sad ones are actually characters you’ve grown to like, and the plot doesn’t dwell unnecessarily on the others. 

This movie doesn’t try too hard to pull on the heartstrings until the very end.  I appreciated that.  Everything in its measure.  A real historical character becomes much more tragic if his true story is told.  I can’t say for sure if that was done here, and frankly I suspect not.  You’re definitely fed cheese, but it hasn’t quite curdled.  These days I’m calling that $13 well spent.

Really bad scene, here. Kind of a deal-breaker.

I occasionally review foreign films.  My reviews of them are bad, I think.  I never really know what to say.  I’m….not qualified for this.  Me critiquing foreign culture is an affront to the “art” of criticism.  As opposed to my sterling efforts with English language films (people are still talking about that time I reviewed The Next Three Days while watching Edge of Darkness). 

Even the Rain was the Spanish entry for best foreign film in 2010.  I saw a trailer for it while watching The Company Men and was intrigued.  I like to see these movies when they look at all interesting.  And this one surely did.  Muy muy.  There was a shot of a giant cross and then some angry people and I was like, “Oh yeah.  I’m seeing that.”

The movie is about a movie…..about a movie!  I actually tacked on an extra “about a movie” there.  It follows a director and producer attempting to make a film about Christopher Columbus.  They shoot in Bolivia to keep costs down, but this is during the Cochabamba water riots ten years ago.  I can’t say I remember them, but after a cursory study the situation appears to be one of the worst examples of white people gone bad in recent history.  Bolivia was forced to sell its water supply to foreign corporations, who, of course, jacked up the prices and squeezed the local population as much as possible.  Barf.  Who is in charge of these companies?  Whose idea was it to buy a country’s water, and how many promotions did they get?

This is a real drama, which I like.  And the acting was pretty good, for the most part.  There were some unfortunate exceptions.  Juan Carlos Aduviri, who is arguably the film’s protagonist, ends up being pretty bad.  He plays Daniel, a local leader of the water protests who the director casts as Hatuey, leader of the tribe who resisted Columbus.  For most of the movie Aduviri pulls off stoic with a touch of hostility well enough.  Unfortunately, his last scene requires acting chops he simply doesn’t have.  He gets exposed.  Like the Chiefs in the playoffs.  I’m sure the rest of his performance would look very different to me now if I watched it again.  This scene was really supposed to bring it all home, and it was laughable.  I literally laughed at one point (like a bitch). 

Gael Garcia Marquez as the director, Sebastian, is pretty good.  And Luis Tosa as Costa, the director, is decent.  But the movie often confuses their roles in the plot.  in some scenes Sebastian speaks up for the people’s rights, in others everyone’s well-being comes second to his own goals.  Costa, too, shifts back and forth.  You’re never quite sure which of them you’re supposed to like and which is the quasi-villain.  In the end I guess roles don’t always have to be clearly defined, but I thought this was poorly done.

The best acting by far came from Karra Elajalde as the actor cast to play Christopher Columbus.  He was damn good.  A character I really grew fond of although he wasn’t central to the plot.  More of an occassional wise sage.  I now think of him as the Spanish Michael Caine. 

The plot was solid, although message-wise, director Iciar Bollain’s reach exceeded her grasp.  Still, I was invested.  And there was some cool scenery.  I sort of feel about this movie the way I felt about The Secret In Their Eyes.  Pretty decent, a worthy effort, but not something I’m giving two thumbs up.  My hope for foreign films is always that they’ll be able to avoid the mistakes that seem to have become endemic to Hollywood.  In some ways, they do.  But I’m looking for a country whose cinema I really like, and I haven’t found that yet.  Also haven’t looked very hard.  Methinks I should spend some time sampling eastern fare.

I can’t say I enjoy seeing “fail” all over the facebook or the comments sections of my precious MMA sites.  Internet slang in general is not my cup of tea.  But I really couldn’t think of any other way to describe my efforts at the game of life Thursday night.  It was an epic fail, no question about it. 

My evening began with a trip to Hell’s Kitchen* to see Battle: LA.  We had a promotion at my trivia night last week where we gave away some passes to an advanced screening.  I kept one for myself.  There was no part of me that thought this was going to be a good movie, but the guy in charge of the promotion was friendly, we got stonar, he said he’d put me on the VIP list.  It felt a little cool, I guess.  Free stuff is always great.  I like movies.  This was a good combination.

*Middle Manhattan is a strange, unfriendly place to me.  I have no idea what goes on there.  Frankly, I don’t want to know.  And I’m not talking about Times Square.  People always rag on Times Square, but it has its place.  Tourists love it and I don’t begrudge them that.   But everything else above 14th street and below Central Park is completely foreign to me.  I feel like a tourist there, myself.  I guess I still don’t know most of this city very well.  Probably never will.  I like being in my apartment with my dog and my internet too much. 

Only, it wasn’t.  I got there too late to cash in on the VIP seat and had to sit in the very front row.  My guy told me to get there early, but who listens to such warnings?  When someone tells me to get somewhere early, my mental response is inevitably ”I’ll believe it when I see it.”  Then when I see it, the reponse is, “Hm.  They were right.  I should’ve gotten here early.”  I never admonish myself or learn my lesson.  True to form, thats exactly how it played out this time. 

It’s pretty hard to enjoy a movie from the front row.  This movie, in particular, was impossible.  The action was shot almost entirely in that ridiculous herky-jerky style that everyone hates, but bad action directors seem to love.  I’ve long since stopped trying to figure out the allure of this stuff.  Is it supposed to make you feel like you’re really there?   It doesn’t.  POV shots don’t even get the job done in pornography, we certainly don’t need them in our feature films.  And yet, this trend will inevitably continue.  And….gain popularity?  I’ve never talked to anyone who likes it.  But I also don’t talk to very many people. 

I don’t want to overstate this, but the camera-work literally made me sick.  I got a stomach-ache.  And you just couldn’t see anything.  I never figured out what the bad guys looked like, or even what they were.  My friend Ariana and I had a bet on whether they’d be robots or aliens.  We left the theater unsure who owed who money. 

I should probably clarify here that I walked out after an hour or so.  The movie was terrible, it was making me ill, and my boy Alec Gross had a show at The Living Room, my favorite venue.  So I was more than ready to leave early at the slightest provocation.  Enter Michelle Rodriguez. 

Smart money is on this girl playing by her own rules

The crowd in the theater, unbelievably, cheered when her stupid scowling face made its first appearance.  I tapped my stoney-colleague and was like ”We’re done here.”  I will watch a bad movie.  I will not watch Michelle Rodriguez*.  The fact that I sat amongst a pro-Rodriguez crowd for over an hour is terrifying. 

*Bridgette Moynihan, the other worst actress in the world, is also in this movie.  The casting director is Debra Zane.  Look out for future projects, this chick is an up-and-comer!

So I set sail, hailing a cab to exchange bad culture for good.  Gross is one of the very few local musicians I’ve found that really does it for me.   Stirring voice, cool guy, just the kind of folk/alt-country sound I’m looking for.  At The Living Room, with the full band behind him, its a beautiful thing.  I look forward to these shows, and I’d missed the last one.  I was thrilled to be able to wash the Battle: LA mess off me with some nice, cleansing toonage.  This was a hang I could get behind.

For the second time in a month, I was denied entry into a bar.  I don’t carry ID anymore.  Not on purpose necessarily, but my driver’s license is almost three years expired.  I vowed to start carrying my passport instead, which of course I never remember to do.  I hardly ever need it.  Greenpoint dives don’t usually come equipped with a doorman, and my most regular drinking is done at the bar where I work.  And I’m almost 30, for crying out loud.  Fucking Manhattan, gettin’ all high society on a poor working stiff.  ID?  What is this, 1984?  Can’t a guy just do his thing?  Get high in your bathroom, complain about beer prices, daydream additional Tolkien storylines, how can you not want a customer like that? 

I can usually talk my way in, having honed that skill over years of carrying expired ID.  That was like a prep-course for no-ID existence.  But this guy wasn’t budging.  Not in the least.   I sort of respected him for it, to tell the truth.  He was totally unmoved by anything I had to say, but wasn’t a dick about it.  No hard feelings. 

Defeated on yet another front, my night was now over.  I walked to the subway in the pouring rain, having forgotten my umbrella at that awful movie.  If you want to read an actual review of it, check out Ebert’s take.  He’s in rare form.  You can tell thus one pissed him off.  A few choice cuts:

“The dialogue consists almost entirely of terse screams: Watch it! Incoming! Move! Look out! Fire! Move! The only characters I re­member having four sentences in a row are the anchors on cable news.”

“The aliens are hilarious. Do they give Razzies for special effects?”

“Eckhart is perfectly cast, and let the word go forth that he makes one hell of a great-looking action hero. He is also a fine actor, but acting skills are not required from anyone in this movie.”

“Young men: If you attend this crap with friends who admire it, tactfully inform them they are idiots. Young women: If your date likes this movie, tell him you’ve been thinking it over, and you think you should consider spending some time apart.”

The next time some Williamsburg hipster clown asks me who my favorite philosopher is, I’m going to say Roger Ebert.  That’ll show him/her.  Then I’ll tell this as yet mythical person that I know when he says he’s “freelance” that means his parents are paying for everything.  Because I might not know this city very well, but here’s one thing I’ve learned: if someone lives in Williamsburg, is a musician, and claims to be freelance, they’ve never had to work a day in their life. 

I am prepared for this future encounter.

Battle: LA was terrible.

In ten years, when I’m an older, fatter, balder, more bitter version of myself, I’ll be shaking my fist at some of 2020′s ”it” movies and saying “You punk kids!  I remember The King’s Speech!”

I thought this looked like one of those classic Oscar movies that nobody actually sees and isn’t actually entertaining (think Gosford Park).  I know a lot of people who felt that way.  But then I noticed one day that it was playing at Cobble Hill Cinemas, and I always like an excuse to hang around that neighborhood.  Plus my boy The Gentleman Ghost was in town and we needed a low-key hang in preparation for a wild hang planned for the following night.  So we sallied forth, although neither of us were excited about it.  We almost opted instead for IP Man 2, despite the fact that neither of us had seen IP Man 1. 

If you’ve seen it, you already know.  The King’s Speech isn’t pretentious Oscar tripe.  Far from it.  This is a movie without a weakness.  The acting is great, the plot is surprisingly interesting, and director Tom Hooper uses both cinematography and score to marvelous effect.  Hooper really did a great job with this.  I’m not surprised he won best director.

I’m not surprised by any of the Oscars this movie won.  Personally, I liked Inception much better.  But The King’s Speech really was flawless.  I can’t think of anything negative to say about it.  Acting: excellent.  Directing: excellent.  Well written.  Costumes, look, feel, sound, all that stuff was great.  This was a really, really good movie. 

What’s unfortunate is that I probably won’t see it again for a long time.  This is not a movie you buy and watch regularly, and it’s probably too good to jump right to the movie channels.  And even if it does, is this something you’re going to sit around for 2 hours and watch again?   I don’t know, that probably sounds negative.  It isn’t meant to be.  But I don’t watch Schindler’s List regularly either, and its one of the best movies I’ve ever seen.  I feel like thats a good comp for The King’s Speech, actually.  Really, really good, but something you see once and basically move on.  I mean, I guess I’d watch either again.  Maybe I have seen Schindler’s List a few times now that I think of it.  I’m reaching here.  Gotta love a good comp though, right?

Here’s something: I thought Geoffrey Rush was better than Colin Firth.  They were both very good obviously, and normally I’d much prefer Firth.  He’s an actor you can set your watch too.  I’ve always found Rush irritating.  Thinking about his real life in particular is horrifying to me.  Those oozy movements and faces are like something out of a nightmare thats undeniably scary, but you don’t know exactly why.  Suffice it to say that in my life, I have not been a Rush guy (and god knows I wanted to like Shine).

This was the part he was born to play.  In my stoney opinion, he was perfect for Lional Logue.  And maybe there are other parts he’s perfect for that I haven’t seen.  Maybe his particular brand of perversion just works for certain roles.  He’s obviously pretty talented.  Regardless, I felt he was the straw that stirred the King’s Speech cocktail.  Firth was good, just like he always is.  But wasn’t his character kind of a one-trick pony?  I mean, he stuttered.  All the time.  I don’t know how hard it would really be to mimic that.  Great job, could’ve been done by other men.  Lional Logue was all Rush.  He stole the show. 

Helena Bonham-Carter was great too, but I think I’m bored with her.  Seems like she turns up an awful lot these days.  I liked it better when she was only sort of in the public consciousness.  Her mystique would be much better served if she did less.  I guess maybe she’s moved beyond caring about that sort of thing, if she ever did.  Can’t say that I blame her.  Make movies, get paid.  She’s definitely a good actress.  But lest ye forget, she was in Terminator: Salvation.  I think we should all keep that in mind.

What I really took away from The King’s Speech was the pleasant knowledge that there could be a new legit director on the block.  Tom Hooper isn’t even 40 yet and he made this.  Respect.  He also directed the Sam Adams HBO series.  That was probably good, right?  Seems like I heard good things.  Or maybe read them.  Possibly just assumed them.  Either way, I’m following Hooper now.  

So we’re in agreement, The King’s Speech was a very good movie.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m heading to the Angelika to see Even the Rain, a Spanish movie whose trailer caught my eye while I was seeing The Cumpnymin.  I think it’ll be good.  And really, who cares about the FORTY-FIVE MINUTES it’ll take me to get to the theater or the THIRTEEN DOLLARS I’ll spend on the ticket.  Sure its raining, but I’ve got my tiny broken umbrella.  And rain means fewer people in the theater.  Silver lining.

City that never sleeps baby!

class=in session

With Matt Damon fresh off a career-defining gold stoney award and The Town failing to even snare a nomination, I knew I had to give my boy Affleck a chance to fire back.  The problem, of course, is that Affleck has a tendency to misfire.  We don’t need to re-hash his gruesome rap sheet here*.  His movies are almost always bad.  But I’ve always thought he handled his celebrity well (marriages aside).  Maybe I’m imagining it, but there seems to be a tongue-in-cheek aspect to his acting, like he’s always suppressing a grin.  I think he kind of knows he’s a joke, and is OK with it.  That’s my read.  Of course I don’t know the man, so I could be way off on this. 

*Actually, lets have some fun with this.  I’m going to name all the bad Affleck movies I can remember off the top of my head.  Daredevil.  Changing Lanes.  The Sum of All Fears.  Gigli.  Jersey Girl.  Pearl Harbor.  Reindeer Games.  Armageddon.  Bounce.  He’s Just Not That Into You.  Kevin Smith.  What did I miss?

Damon is pretty clearly the better actor, but I’ve always felt he took himself a bit more seriously, too.  True Grit was awesome, but what about Hereafter, Green Zone and The Adjustment Bureau?  That’s what else he’s been up to in the last year.  Damon gets the good actor cred, but he’s dropped more than his fair share of stinkers too.  For most of the past ten years I’ve found him to be boring and overrated.  Now I’m starting to re-think that (obviously his stint on 30 Rock helped). 

So who does the SFC officially support?  I headed to the 10pm Tuesday showing of The Company Men with that very question weighing heavily on my stoney mind.  There was so much at stake…..

This movie kind of flew under the radar, right?  A little surprising, given the cast.  Aside from the aforementioned Affleck, there’s Kevin Costner, Chris Cooper, Tommie Lee Jones, Craig T. Nelson.  Not the most current of stars, maybe, but still more than most movies are packin’.  Surely that group would be right in our parents’ wheelhouse.  And really, I think almost anyone I know could find someone to respect on that list.  Costner and T-Nels are both hilarious and Chris Cooper does good work.  I could see not liking Tommie Lee Jones (I’m not sure I do), but all in all this is an appealing cast.  It’s what brought me to the theater when I could’ve just given the DVR’ed Serenity another roll in the hay.

The plot centers around corporate downsizing and how it affects those downsized.  It’s supposed to hit home and be relatable for obvious reasons.  The problem is, at first I couldn’t really bring myself to identify with any of these guys.  Yes, they lost their jobs and yes, they feel immense pressure to pay their bills and provide for their families.  But if you make the choice to chase dollars and spend them in the nature depicted, I got no pity for you.  Huge houses, nice cars and multiple children don’t happen by themselves.  They are the result of choices made. 

I guess my real issue is that when I look at some dude in a tie working at a job in finance or whatever, I wonder how he got there.  Was that what he really wanted to do with his life?  Move numbers and papers around?  Or did he end up there in pursuit of the most money possible at all costs?  If it’s the latter, well, there just isn’t really a situation where losing that job can make me feel sorry for him.  Get in a gross world, and gross things may happen to you.  Those are the ropes. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have businessman friends.  Plenty of them.  I don’t begrudge them their careers.  I’m just not going to have much of a reaction when I hear _____ got fired from Globucorp.  If a guy opens a restaurant or starts a business and it fails?  Them I will feel for.  As a matter of fact I’m always a little bummed when any local business closes, even if I never went there.  When the tattoo parlor with the confederate flag shuttered its windows I was like, “I’m gonna miss those guys.”  The legions of law school graduates and MBAs struggling to find work don’t elicit the same feelings. 

Another issue is that most of these characters just weren’t that likable.  Affleck is a prick, Cooper is a creep, Jones’ face looks weird.  The only one I consistently liked was Costner, and a lot of that was because he played a contractor a la my boys The Mask and Ol’ Nuts.  Whenever they’d show him and his crew working my inner monologue would say “thats like what the Mask and his crew does.”  Work gloves and such.  Stuff I wish I could do but know I’ll never pull off.  I don’t even own a screwdriver.  My toolkit is a hammer and these scissors:

Affleck is the character whose journey is followed the closest.  Technically he shares “main character” duties with Jones, but its him you’re meant to identify with.  Jones is already old and rich.  Affleck gets laid off early on and the movie, at its core, is about how he deals with it. 

At first I didn’t like the way they played this.  He basically alternates between pouting and pretending nothing is wrong.  He’s indignant.  And even as his savings run out and his wife has to return to work (which he, naturally, OPPOSES!), he refuses to acknowledge reality.  This was overdone.  I’ve got to blame writer/director John Wells.  He’s worked mostly in television, and it shows.  There were casual mistakes throughout the film that really threw off the rhythm.  Or at least, prevented it from ever pushing through and accessing the viewer’s emotions as only the best dramas can.  Not huge, embarrassing errors, but little stuff.  When Affleck eats lunch with Costner and his crew one afternoon, he does so 20 feet away by himself and with his head down, like a 10-year-old at lunch.  This is meant to convey his separateness, but Wells goes too far with it.  A mistake he makes repeatedly.  This is clearly a guy who is used to working in prime-time television.  There’s a scene featuring Rosemarie DeWitt (who I really liked otherwise) rubbing lotion on her legs that is just bizarre.  It’s like something you’d see on Desperate Housewives.

In the end though, Affleck’s journey wins you over.  He becomes a character you pull for, and the transformation isn’t less satisfying for having happened slowly.  Personally, I do have a hard time believing real downsized executives behave as he initially did, but I suppose that doesn’t really matter.  This is a story, after all.  One that slowly draws you in, in a way that you hardly even notice.  It was a 2-hour personal progression from skeptical to absorbed.  It was only as it neared the end that I realized the movie had won me over.

Put real actors to work in a real drama and I’m probably going to like it.  Give me a storyline other than “boy meets girl” and I’m probably going to like that, too.  The Company Men does both.  A better director probably could’ve done more with it, but Wells wrote it too, so I can’t really begrudge him his control.  Still, this movie really would’ve been well served by a set of fresh eyes just before they called it quits.  A few key edits could’ve taken it from “kinda good” to “pretty good.”  A massive jump, that.

As for Affleck, he will remain my boy.  I actually think this may have been some of his best work as an actor.  I sort of forgot I was watching him after a while.  My inner monologue stopped repeating “Affleck” after he said or did anything.  Look, I know he’s got a huge head and he married J-Lo and he’s from Boston.  All horrible things*.  And Damon did just win that gold stoney. 

*If I had a normal-sized head I’d be running this town.  People find big heads annoying.  Its fine, I get it. 

Still, I prefer Affleck.  As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, amen.

I know you’re all on the edge of your seats (or toilets), but I should probably clarify something before I hand out these awards: I am not a real film critic.  I’m a stoney film critic.  The qualifications for the two are very different.  One requires a degree, training, and an analytical mind.  The other requires some weed and the desire to spend time alone in dark rooms.  This ain’t the oscars, its the stoneys.  Keep that in mind. 

I was tinkering with ways to have my readers act as presenters, but I just couldn’t figure out how to make it work.  It basically would’ve required that each presenter write an introduction to each award.  I know I could tap the right people for something like that, but I didn’t think I’d get all the intros submitted in time so I tabled the idea.  Next year, there will be presenters. 

And now, without further ado, the 2010 Stoney Awards:

Best Supporting Actor/Actress

Nominees: Matt Damon- True Grit, Nic Cage- Kick Ass, Barbara Hershey- Black Swan, Hugo Weaving- The Wolfman, Christian Bale- The Fighter, Geoffrey Rush- The King’s Speech

Gold Stoney: Matt Damon- True Grit

Silver Stoney: Christian Bale- The Fighter

Bronze Stoney: Geoffrey Rush- The King’s Speech

This category was absolutely stacked.  There were at least 10 potential nominees, and I agonized for days over who to include.  I guess maybe its easier to shine in a supporting role.  And shine these actors did. 

I might’ve taken days to select the nominees, but the three winners were never in doubt.  Bale’s was the most impressive performance of the three.  Still, I enjoyed Matt Damon more, no question about it.  His turn as the bumbling Texas ranger Laboeuf was one of the most endearing performances I’ve ever seen, and I’m not even a Damon fan.  In a movie jam-packed with good acting, his was the best.  I will now turn a kinder eye towards his future projects.  I will not, however, be seeing The Adjustment Bureau.

I normally find Geoffrey Rush irritating, but I think Lionel Logue was the part he was born to play.  It was perfect.  I absolutely loved his character.  Firth is getting all the dap right now, and he deserves it.  Between The King’s Speech and The Single Man*, he had a fantastic year.  But it was Rush that really brought the movie home for me.  Muchos respecticos. 

*I explained this in a comment Friday, but The Single Man was very good and would’ve gotten several nominations if I’d reviewed it.  Unfortunately, at that point this was still a “subway movies” blog, and thus The Single Man didn’t qualify (wasn’t advertised in subways).  You should see it.  Good look, awesome score, impressive acting all over the place.  I’ll be purchasing it the second I see it for $10 or less.  Now I play the waiting game.

 Worst Supporting Actor/Actress

Nominees: Gemma Arterton- Clash of the Titans, Michael Sheen- Tron: Legacy, Tyrese- Legion, Kevin Pollack- Cop Out, Frankie and George McLaren- Hereafter, Ben Barnes- The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

Gold Stoney: Michael Sheen- Tron: Legacy

Silver Stoney: Tyrese- Legion

Bronze Stoney: Gemma Arterton- Clash Of The Titans

Tyrese may be the world’s worst actor.  He’s certainly in the conversation.  If he is in a movie, you know for certain the movie will be bad.  So if you wanted to give him the nod for worst supporting actor, I wouldn’t argue with you.  He’s just as terrible in Legion as he is in every other movie he’s been in. 

My gold stoney goes to Michael Sheen, who is undoubtedly a better actor than Tyrese.  But Sheen was given the chance to steal the show in Tron: Legacy and he whiffed worse than I’ve ever seen an actor whiff before.  He was annoying every second he was onscreen.  The more I think about Tron the more certain I am that it could’ve been a really good movie with a better cast.  But after Bridges, there was nothing.  Sheen is the most obvious example of what doomed this movie to mediocrity. 

Gemma Arterton’s character in Clash of the Titans was bizarre and out of place.  It made no sense.  And she was bad.  I wanted to give the bronze stoney to the unbelievably unfunny Kevin Pollack, but Arterton was worse.  She was also pretty bad in Quantum of Solace.  This bronze stoney could be the start of big things for her.  Definitely a potential rising star in the bad actor/actress scene.

Best Aesthetic

Nominees: The Wolfmin, Alice in Wonderland, Tron: Legacy, Inception, Shutter Island, Micmacs

Gold Stoney: Inception

Silver Stoney: Alice In Wonderland

Bronze Stoney: Tron: Legacy

I know there are some Inception-haters out there, but I think even they would have to admit this movie was beautiful.  And not just the outlandish dream sequences.  Even simple shots like waves breaking on a shore were somehow turned into stirring imagery.  Of course, the dream sequences were awesome.  The snow scenes in particular stand out in my mind as time passes.  As does JGL’s zero-gravity fight and Ellen Page’s city-folding.  I’m itchin’ to see that stuff again soon.

I was, perhaps, a little too eager to have a non-3D film take home the gold stoney.  But you know I would’ve given it to my boy Burton if he’d deserved it.  Alice In Wonderland was indeed a feast for mine stoney eyes.  Inception was prettier still.  Tron: Legacy places a distant 3rd, which is still a highly respectable finish given some of the movies it beat.  The Wolfman probably would’ve edged it out if not for the fact that the wolfmen in question looked ridiculous.

Best Director

Nominees: Christopher Nolan- Inception, The Coen Brothers- True Grit, Martin Scorcese- Shutter island, Tom Hooper- The King’s Speech, Tim Burton- Alice In Wonderland, Nimrod Antal- Predators

Gold Stoney: Christopher Nolan- Inception

Silver Stoney: The Coen Brothers- True Grit

Bronze Stoney: Tom Hooper- The King’s Speech

I’m tempted to call Nolan an up-and-comer, but he was that ten years ago when Memento dropped.  After a brief sophomore slump with the surprisingly mediocre Insomnia, Nolan has churned out consistent gems like no one else in the biz.  For him to have beaten Tim Burton for best aesthetic stoney is a major coup.  It speaks to the continuing evolution in that aspect of his filmmaking. 

Overall, I think Nolan’s non-Batman work (Memento, The Prestige, Inception) has been his most impressive, so I’m a little disappointed his next two projects are going to be a Batman and Superman movie.  Although, to be fair, I’m sure he’ll knock those out of the park.  He certainly did with Inception.  Here’s to hoping Nolan doesn’t graduate to that shadowy “producer/consultant/creative input” realm thats irresistable to the most successful deirectors.  I want him squarely behind the camera.

The Coen brothers killed it with True Grit.  Easy call for the silver stoney.  Hooper beats out Burton and Scorcese becasue he did more with so much less.  Those guys were given proven, successful fictional stories to work with.  Hooper was given a monarch with a stutter.  Yet his was the more captivating film.  I almost considered giving him the silver, but True Grit was the Coen Brothers at their finest.  Their particular stamp worked better on this material than it ever had before. 

This category was top-heavy, thats for sure.  Scorcese and Burton both actually disappointed me a little.  And you may have noticed that I replaced my joke Affleck nomination with Nimrod Antal.  No, this is not also a joke.  Predators might not have been a legitimately good movie, but Antal was smart enough to sift through the steaming mound of horseshit the Predator franchise had become and resurrect what was once almost-kinda good about it.  I felt he deserved an honorary nomination for that.

Worst Director

 Nominees: Kevin Smith- Cop Out, Ridley Scott- Robin Hood, Louis Leterrier- Clash Of The Titans, The Hughes Brothers- The Book of Eli, Paul Haggis- The Next Three Days, Pierre Morel- From Paris With love

Gold Stoney: Kevin Smith- Cop Out

Silver Stoney: Louis Leterrier- Clash Of the Titans

Bronze Stoney: The Hughes Brothers- The Book Of Eli

These were the stoneys I struggled the most with.  All bad movies, and all bad largely due to the choices made by their respective directors.  I tried to place an emphasis on wasted potential, as opposed to lambasting whoever “directed” movies like Season of The Witch and A-Team that, while terrible, probably basically accomplished what they were going for.  With greater intent and potential comes greater responsibility.

Kevin Smith takes home the gold stoney because in my opinion he embarrassed himself the most.  Cop Out proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that he no longer has any idea whats funny, if he ever did.  I’ve never been a big fan of Smith, so his fall from grace hasn’t been particularly hard for me to bear.  For the few intelligent fans still clinging to him for nostalgia’s sake, this movie must have been hard to watch.  Like watching a fighter you had tabbed for greatness flail wildly for a few rounds before getting brutally knocked out by a weak jab.  You’re left thinking, “This was the guy I thought was due for a title shot?  What the fuck was I thinking?”

Smith was able to fool a lot of us for many years, but he has finally been completely exposed.  Cop Out features the worst laugh/attempted joke ratio of any movie I’ve seen in a long, long time.  And what few laughs exist in that 90 minute travesty were provided via Tracy Morgan ridiculousness, not Smith-brand pseudo-witty dialogue.  That shit is played.  So played. 

Leterrier made numerous significant changes to his reboot of Titans, and literally every one of them was for the worse.  I’m guessing the studio forced a lot of that, as many of them were ultra-conservative, idiot-friendly filmmaking devices.  Regardless, when you take a beloved film from my past and shit all over it, you’re beggin’ for a stoney. 

The Hughes Brothers win the bronze in recognition of their taking a movie that, on paper at least, should’ve been interesting, and turning it into a 2 hour commercial for the Bible.  I don’t think they even cared about the plot or the acting.  The whole thing was riddled with cliches.  There were many worse movies this year, but this was propoganda disguised as art.   Disgusting. 

Ridley Scott came close to a stoney with the convoluted mess that was Robin Hood, but I think a lot of that was beyond his control.  The script went through far too many changes before the directing even began.

Best Lead Actor/Actress

Nominees: Will Forte- MacGruber, Mia Wasikowska- Alice In Wonderland, Jeff Bridges- True Grit, Natalie Portman- Black Swan, Hailee Steinfeld- True Grit, Greta Gerwig- Greenberg

Gold Stoney: Hailee Steinfeld- True Grit

Silver Stoney: Will Forte- MacGruber

Bronze Stoney: Natalie Portman- Black Swan

I’m not trying to get cute here, I swear to god.  Hailee Steinfeld’s performance as Mattie Ross was really, truly, the best piece of acting I saw this year.  She was superb, son!  And I hate kids!  All ages, baby!

Seriously, Ross displayed unbelievable chops for someone her age.  I’m interested to see where she goes from here, although I can’t imagine I’ll be seeing many of her movies.  In any case, I thoroughly enjoyed her performance in True Grit.  She had me from the word go.  And I’m always ready to hate on child actors.  I don’t give a shit about oscars anymore, but I do want to see her win.  She deserves it.  I also think its hilarious that she was referred to as ugly throughout the film.  Imagine having to deal with that as a 13-year-old girl. 

Forte killed it as MacGruber, if you’re reading this you probably already know that.  He’ll never be popular, but he’s doing things nobody else is doing, and he deserves recognition for it.  I can only hope there are Macgruber sequels planned so I’ll have the chance to give him a gold stoney one day. 

I wanted to give Jeff Bridges the bronze stoney, and I certainly enjoyed his performance more than Portman’s.  But playing grizzled isn’t exactly a challenge for a guy like Bridges.  Rooster Cogburn was a classic character, but ultimately a pretty easy one to play in my opinion.  Portman, on the other hand, had her work cut out for her.  She cut 20 pounds from an already tiny body.  She learned to do all that weird, gross ballerina toe standing and such.  And, perhaps most impressive of all, she essentially played two characters.  I’ll award points for that.  I’m not a massive Portman fanboy or anything, but I feel her performance is more deserving of stoney praise.  Hence, the bronze stoney.

Gerwig and Wasikowska were great, but ultimately not in contention.

Worst Lead Actor/Actress

Nominees: Jonathan Rhys Meyers- From Paris With Love, Lucas Black- Legion, Dany Boon- Micmacs, Mary Louise Parker- Red, Jessica Biel- The A-Team, Bradley Cooper- The A-Team

Gold Stoney: Lucas Black- Legion

Silver Stoney: Dany Boon- Micmacs

Bronze Stoney: Jessica Biel- The A-Team

Some pretty legendary performances here.  If you’ve seen Legion, you already knew Lucas Black was going to take home the gold.  His turn as Jeep the semi-retarded gas station attendant with a heart of gold was easily the worst performance of the year.  It isn’t close.  I don’t feel like I need to say any more about this.  If you doubt me, watch the movie.  All doubts will be erased.

As for the others, they all sucked at a high level.  I realize Boon isn’t a sexy pick for the silver because, Micmacs being a french film, most of you probably didn’t see it.  It had the potential to be interesting, if not good, but Boon put on a not funny clinic.  90 minutes straight of confusing buffoonery and offputting facial expressions.  I realize there is a cultural difference in taste at play here, but if the French really think Boon is funny, they’re in the wrong and thats that. 

Biel gets the nod for bronze over a possibly more deserving John Rhys Myers.  Myers was god-awful in From Paris With Love.  By all rights, he should’ve earned himself a stoney.  Big picture though, he’s harmless.  Jessica Biel is a disgusting person, and her performance in The A-team displays that perfectly.  She plays a terrible character….terribly.  Walks hard, shouts commands, a real stone cold bitch (cue guitar riff).  Biel’s “method” seems to consist of bad imitations of characters she’s seen in other bad movies.  She is famous only because of her body (which is admittedly awesome) and her total willingness (eagerness, even) to play the gross Hollywood game.  This woman deserves our derision.  And unfortunately, I definitely haven’t seen the last of her.

Best Picture

Nominees: Shutter Island, MacGruber, Inception, Greenberg, True Grit, The Kings Speech

Gold Stoney: MacGruber

Silver Stoney: Inception

Bronze Stoney: True Grit

Yeah, thats right, I thought MacGruber was the best movie of 2010.  For the stoney awards, the highest honor isn’t restricted to dramas.  MacGruber is the funniest movie to come out in a long, long time.  Since Old School probably?  And honestly, I think this movie will stand the test of time much better.  Forte is a bizarre, hilarious innovator.  Thats something desperately needed at the cineplex these days.  I only hope MacGruber‘s commercial failure doesn’t limit his future options.  Which, of course, it will.  But here and now, I don’t want to worry about that.  I want to celebrate a comedy tour de force.  Congrats, MacGruber.  You earned it. 

Inception and True Grit were both awesome, and both highly deserving of their silver and bronze stoney awards.  You’ve heard me praise their various virtues plenty already in this post, but suffice it to say there was never any doubt in my mind how this category would go.  It was the first I settled on, and the decision was the easiest.  The King’s Speech was great, but these were the choice three.  Greenberg and Shutter Island were not in realistic contention.

Worst Picture

Nominees: Legion, From Paris With Love, Season of the Witch, Copout, A-Team, Hereafter

Gold Stoney: From Paris With Love

Silver Stoney: Legion

Bronze Stoney: Hereafter

From Paris With Love is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.  It is absolutely baffling to me that a movie like this can get made.  It really calls the whole process into question.  I went in to laugh at yet another Travolta trainwreck.  Hilarious as he was, I left the theater angry.  I think that really says a lot.  I suspect if I take it in a second time with a few stoney friends the laughs will abound.  That won’t change the fact that this was the worst movie to come out in 2010.   

Legion featured the worst acting of the three.  And make no mistake, it was a truly horrendous movie on every level.  But there have been a dozen Legions, whereas From Paris was truly unique.  It pushed through to that next level.  Transcendently bad.  None of the other 2010 candidates quite get there.  Legion comes close.  But From Paris With Love takes the crown.  I wouldn’t be surprised to find out the script was written on napkins. 

Hereafter takes the bronze by virtue of being my most boring time spent in a theater in many years.

I only wish I’d seen Jonah Hex…..

Supplementary Stoneys 

Stoney Boner: Emily Blunt- The Wolfmin

Very, very pretty.  In a believable way, if that makes any sense.  I’m into her.

Stoney Man (Stoneymin?) Of The Year: Colin Firth- A Single Man, The King’s Speech

Firth may not have taken in any stoney awards, but he starred in two of my top five movies of the year and he was great in both.  All praise be to Firth.  I also saw him in The Last Legion a while back.  I’d prefer not to talk about that.

Stoney-Break: Liam Neeson- The A-Team, Clash Of The Titans

Liam, I love ya man, but its time to take a stoney-break.  Take a few months off.  Wear pajamas, get stoney, nosh, and collect yourself.  Think a little harder about what your next role should be.

As for you, bad action movie directors, for the love of god please leave this man alone.  He’s not in his right mind right now and you’re tarnishing his legacy.  Making him scream catch phrases and murder people.  You should be ashamed of yourselves. 

Unintentional Stoney Laughs: John Travolta- From Paris With Love

I may have hated the movie, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna let Travolta go begging here.  This was definitely one of the most memorable performances of 2010.  Travolta out-ridiculoused Cage this year.  Charlie Wax is officially part of the lexicon.   The stoney loser lexicon.

Is it possible Charlie Wax will be snubbed at the stoney awards?

OK gang, its that time of year again (for the first time).  No need to dance around it.  Let’s get to the cock. 

Best Picture: Shutter Island, MacGruber, Inception, Greenberg, True Grit, The Kings Speech

Worst Picture: Legion, From Paris With Love, Season of the Witch, Copout, A-Team, Hereafter

Best Lead Actor/Actress: Will Forte- MacGruber, Mia Wasikowska- Alice In Wonderland, Jeff Bridges- True Grit, Natalie Portman- Black Swan, Hailee Steinfeld- True Grit, Greta Gerwig- Greenberg

Best Supporting Actor/Actress: Matt Damon- True Grit, Nic Cage- Kick Ass, Barbara Hershey- Black Swan, Hugo Weaving- The Wolfman, Christian Bale- The Fighter, Geoffrey Rush- The King’s Speech

Worst Lead Actor/Actress: Jonathan Rhys Meyers- From Paris With Love, Lucas Black- Legion, Dany Boon- Micmacs, Mary Louise Parker- Red, Jessica Biel- The A-Team, Bradley Cooper- The A-Team

Worst Supporting Actor/Actress: Gemma Atterton- Clash of the Titans, Michael Sheen- Tron: Legacy, Tyrese- Legion, Kevin Pollack- Cop Out, Frankie and George McLaren- Hereafter, Ben Barnes- The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

Best Director: Christopher Nolan- Inception, the Coen Brothers- True Grit, Martin Scorcese- Shutter island, Tom Hooper- The King’s Speech, Tim Burton- Alice In Wonderland, Ben Affleck- The Town (just kidding)

Worst Director: Kevin Smith- Cop Out, Ridley Scott- Robin Hood, Louis Leterrier- Clash of the Titans, The Hughes Brothers- The Book of Eli, Paul Haggis- The Next Three Days, Pierre Morel- From Paris With love

Best Aesthetic: The Wolfmin, Alice in Wonderland, Tron, Inception, Shutter Island, Micmacs

I’ll be awarding a gold, silver and bronze stoney for each category, Olympics-style.  I merged the “actor” and “actress” awards because I only saw and reviewed 30 movies this year, so I felt like splitting the genders diluted the field somewhat.  There will also be a few special awards for….outstanding achievement….in the feld of…..excellence. 

I’ll give you the weekend to ponder and consider.  The results drop Monday.

not mutually exclusive

Black Swan came out almost two months ago, so I have to assume if you were going to see it, you’d have seen it.  It feels a little silly doing a review this far after the release, but I’d mainly just like to get a dialogue going.  I feel like this movie warrants discussion, and I want a few outside opinions for a variety of reasons. 

First of all, I was extremely hung over when I saw it.  And whats worse, I hadn’t eaten anything other than an apple that day.  My stomach really goes haywire these days if I don’t eat a decent breakfast.  In high school and college I never ate breakfast.  Even my first few years in the real world* I’d often go without.  Now the second my stomach is empty it becomes a crippling malady.  I’m confused by this change.  It’s unsettling. 

*You know, working for my uncle, spooney sales, medical studies.  The real world. 

The combination of my hangover, an empty stomach, and the fact that I’m grossed out easily (except by violence) really worked against me on this one.  I had a tough time with several scenes.  The finger-cutting and toe-stubbing in particular.  Matty no likey.  And the fact that I was oobie doobie ensured I’d be thinking too much about the scenes that disturbed me.  All in all, it was a pretty miserable theater experience.  That definitely affected my impression of the movie.  I kept telling myself not to let it alter my opinion of the film, but how could it not?  We see movies to have a good time, after all.

Another factor was my companion on this hang, who swore she had the movie totally figured out afterwards, and filled my addled brain with what may have been nonsense.  She said the entire movie was about mind control.  I’m not sure how accurate that is. 

What was this movie really about?  I have a feeling when asked that question Darren Aranofsky takes shelter in that land of mysteries directors love so well.  Vague answers, winks, proliferation of theories.  When a director treads that path I’m left to assume its a VERY calculated move.  I simply can’t believe a good director would make a movie without knowing precisely what he/she wants to say.  Is that cynical?  Should I stop trying to define art?  Don’t answer that.  It was a stupid question.

I’m tempted to say this film was overrated, but I don’t want to be that guy.  If a movie these days even hints at originality I try to award points for that.  Black Swan is definitely original.  I’ve never seen anything else remotely similar.  And there is definitely something to be said for a movie about ballet that can appeal to male viewers.  To take a decidedly feminine topic and make a gender neutral movie is no small feat. 

One problem: Dreams, visions, and any type of false reality always strikes me as a bit of an easy way out.  I want a director to be held accountable for each scene and its impact on the viewer.  What Arrenofsky has essentially done is give himself carte blanch to use any startling image or event without being tied to its effect on a real plot.  Because that part of the plot isn’t real.  That feels cheap to me.  Dream sequences and hallucinations almost always do.

I can’t say I loved the casting, either.  Not bad necessarily, but inconsistent.  Look, I’ve got nothing against Mila Kunis personally, but I’m just not ready to take her seriously as an actress.  And I’m definitely inclined to root against someone who became an “it” girl (or boy) without actually doing anything good.  Her success screams “I hired the most aggressive agent and publicist I could find and told them I was willing to do anything to be famous.”  This is a snap-judgement.  But seriously, the girl from That 70s Show in a potential oscar winner?  How did that happen?  What has she ever done well?  They really should’ve stuck with the original plan and gone with Latifah here. 

I’m also pretty sure Winona Ryder is a bad actress, while we’re on the subject.  In fact, at times I’ve found her downright terrible.  This wasn’t her worst effort, but she was an odd choice, to say the least. 

Portman, on the other hand, definitely belongs in movies of this caliber.  She’s very good, we all know that.  And she definitely did a perfect job evincing sheltered, timid and alone.  The viewer has no choice but to pity her almost right from the start.  The stuff with her mom in particular was great.  That was just an excellent character.  Virtually all of my favorite scenes included her in some way (masturbation scene!).  I felt like an entire movie could’ve been made just out of that relationship.  Barbara Hershey is due a major tip-of-the-cap here.  As is Vincent Cassel for his portrayal of Thomas, predatory choreographer extraordinaire.  This truly was the part his face was born to play.  

I’m awarding Black Swan points for plot, aesthetic, and suspense.  But I still can’t shake the feeling that this film is riding a wave of praise it didn’t really earn.  Am I off base here?  Let’s talk about it.  I realize this review is poorly written and irrelevant, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a discussion. 

What think you?