Epic Fail

 

I can’t say I enjoy seeing “fail” all over the facebook or the comments sections of my precious MMA sites.  Internet slang in general is not my cup of tea.  But I really couldn’t think of any other way to describe my efforts at the game of life Thursday night.  It was an epic fail, no question about it. 

My evening began with a trip to Hell’s Kitchen* to see Battle: LA.  We had a promotion at my trivia night last week where we gave away some passes to an advanced screening.  I kept one for myself.  There was no part of me that thought this was going to be a good movie, but the guy in charge of the promotion was friendly, we got stonar, he said he’d put me on the VIP list.  It felt a little cool, I guess.  Free stuff is always great.  I like movies.  This was a good combination.

*Middle Manhattan is a strange, unfriendly place to me.  I have no idea what goes on there.  Frankly, I don’t want to know.  And I’m not talking about Times Square.  People always rag on Times Square, but it has its place.  Tourists love it and I don’t begrudge them that.   But everything else above 14th street and below Central Park is completely foreign to me.  I feel like a tourist there, myself.  I guess I still don’t know most of this city very well.  Probably never will.  I like being in my apartment with my dog and my internet too much. 

Only, it wasn’t.  I got there too late to cash in on the VIP seat and had to sit in the very front row.  My guy told me to get there early, but who listens to such warnings?  When someone tells me to get somewhere early, my mental response is inevitably “I’ll believe it when I see it.”  Then when I see it, the reponse is, “Hm.  They were right.  I should’ve gotten here early.”  I never admonish myself or learn my lesson.  True to form, thats exactly how it played out this time. 

It’s pretty hard to enjoy a movie from the front row.  This movie, in particular, was impossible.  The action was shot almost entirely in that ridiculous herky-jerky style that everyone hates, but bad action directors seem to love.  I’ve long since stopped trying to figure out the allure of this stuff.  Is it supposed to make you feel like you’re really there?   It doesn’t.  POV shots don’t even get the job done in pornography, we certainly don’t need them in our feature films.  And yet, this trend will inevitably continue.  And….gain popularity?  I’ve never talked to anyone who likes it.  But I also don’t talk to very many people. 

I don’t want to overstate this, but the camera-work literally made me sick.  I got a stomach-ache.  And you just couldn’t see anything.  I never figured out what the bad guys looked like, or even what they were.  My friend Ariana and I had a bet on whether they’d be robots or aliens.  We left the theater unsure who owed who money. 

I should probably clarify here that I walked out after an hour or so.  The movie was terrible, it was making me ill, and my boy Alec Gross had a show at The Living Room, my favorite venue.  So I was more than ready to leave early at the slightest provocation.  Enter Michelle Rodriguez. 

Smart money is on this girl playing by her own rules

The crowd in the theater, unbelievably, cheered when her stupid scowling face made its first appearance.  I tapped my stoney-colleague and was like “We’re done here.”  I will watch a bad movie.  I will not watch Michelle Rodriguez*.  The fact that I sat amongst a pro-Rodriguez crowd for over an hour is terrifying. 

*Bridgette Moynihan, the other worst actress in the world, is also in this movie.  The casting director is Debra Zane.  Look out for future projects, this chick is an up-and-comer!

So I set sail, hailing a cab to exchange bad culture for good.  Gross is one of the very few local musicians I’ve found that really does it for me.   Stirring voice, cool guy, just the kind of folk/alt-country sound I’m looking for.  At The Living Room, with the full band behind him, its a beautiful thing.  I look forward to these shows, and I’d missed the last one.  I was thrilled to be able to wash the Battle: LA mess off me with some nice, cleansing toonage.  This was a hang I could get behind.

For the second time in a month, I was denied entry into a bar.  I don’t carry ID anymore.  Not on purpose necessarily, but my driver’s license is almost three years expired.  I vowed to start carrying my passport instead, which of course I never remember to do.  I hardly ever need it.  Greenpoint dives don’t usually come equipped with a doorman, and my most regular drinking is done at the bar where I work.  And I’m almost 30, for crying out loud.  Fucking Manhattan, gettin’ all high society on a poor working stiff.  ID?  What is this, 1984?  Can’t a guy just do his thing?  Get high in your bathroom, complain about beer prices, daydream additional Tolkien storylines, how can you not want a customer like that? 

I can usually talk my way in, having honed that skill over years of carrying expired ID.  That was like a prep-course for no-ID existence.  But this guy wasn’t budging.  Not in the least.   I sort of respected him for it, to tell the truth.  He was totally unmoved by anything I had to say, but wasn’t a dick about it.  No hard feelings. 

Defeated on yet another front, my night was now over.  I walked to the subway in the pouring rain, having forgotten my umbrella at that awful movie.  If you want to read an actual review of it, check out Ebert’s take.  He’s in rare form.  You can tell thus one pissed him off.  A few choice cuts:

“The dialogue consists almost entirely of terse screams: Watch it! Incoming! Move! Look out! Fire! Move! The only characters I re­member having four sentences in a row are the anchors on cable news.”

“The aliens are hilarious. Do they give Razzies for special effects?”

“Eckhart is perfectly cast, and let the word go forth that he makes one hell of a great-looking action hero. He is also a fine actor, but acting skills are not required from anyone in this movie.”

“Young men: If you attend this crap with friends who admire it, tactfully inform them they are idiots. Young women: If your date likes this movie, tell him you’ve been thinking it over, and you think you should consider spending some time apart.”

The next time some Williamsburg hipster clown asks me who my favorite philosopher is, I’m going to say Roger Ebert.  That’ll show him/her.  Then I’ll tell this as yet mythical person that I know when he says he’s “freelance” that means his parents are paying for everything.  Because I might not know this city very well, but here’s one thing I’ve learned: if someone lives in Williamsburg, is a musician, and claims to be freelance, they’ve never had to work a day in their life. 

I am prepared for this future encounter.

Battle: LA was terrible.

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Hype: Justified

In ten years, when I’m an older, fatter, balder, more bitter version of myself, I’ll be shaking my fist at some of 2020’s “it” movies and saying “You punk kids!  I remember The King’s Speech!”

I thought this looked like one of those classic Oscar movies that nobody actually sees and isn’t actually entertaining (think Gosford Park).  I know a lot of people who felt that way.  But then I noticed one day that it was playing at Cobble Hill Cinemas, and I always like an excuse to hang around that neighborhood.  Plus my boy The Gentleman Ghost was in town and we needed a low-key hang in preparation for a wild hang planned for the following night.  So we sallied forth, although neither of us were excited about it.  We almost opted instead for IP Man 2, despite the fact that neither of us had seen IP Man 1

If you’ve seen it, you already know.  The King’s Speech isn’t pretentious Oscar tripe.  Far from it.  This is a movie without a weakness.  The acting is great, the plot is surprisingly interesting, and director Tom Hooper uses both cinematography and score to marvelous effect.  Hooper really did a great job with this.  I’m not surprised he won best director.

I’m not surprised by any of the Oscars this movie won.  Personally, I liked Inception much better.  But The King’s Speech really was flawless.  I can’t think of anything negative to say about it.  Acting: excellent.  Directing: excellent.  Well written.  Costumes, look, feel, sound, all that stuff was great.  This was a really, really good movie. 

What’s unfortunate is that I probably won’t see it again for a long time.  This is not a movie you buy and watch regularly, and it’s probably too good to jump right to the movie channels.  And even if it does, is this something you’re going to sit around for 2 hours and watch again?   I don’t know, that probably sounds negative.  It isn’t meant to be.  But I don’t watch Schindler’s List regularly either, and its one of the best movies I’ve ever seen.  I feel like thats a good comp for The King’s Speech, actually.  Really, really good, but something you see once and basically move on.  I mean, I guess I’d watch either again.  Maybe I have seen Schindler’s List a few times now that I think of it.  I’m reaching here.  Gotta love a good comp though, right?

Here’s something: I thought Geoffrey Rush was better than Colin Firth.  They were both very good obviously, and normally I’d much prefer Firth.  He’s an actor you can set your watch too.  I’ve always found Rush irritating.  Thinking about his real life in particular is horrifying to me.  Those oozy movements and faces are like something out of a nightmare thats undeniably scary, but you don’t know exactly why.  Suffice it to say that in my life, I have not been a Rush guy (and god knows I wanted to like Shine).

This was the part he was born to play.  In my stoney opinion, he was perfect for Lional Logue.  And maybe there are other parts he’s perfect for that I haven’t seen.  Maybe his particular brand of perversion just works for certain roles.  He’s obviously pretty talented.  Regardless, I felt he was the straw that stirred the King’s Speech cocktail.  Firth was good, just like he always is.  But wasn’t his character kind of a one-trick pony?  I mean, he stuttered.  All the time.  I don’t know how hard it would really be to mimic that.  Great job, could’ve been done by other men.  Lional Logue was all Rush.  He stole the show. 

Helena Bonham-Carter was great too, but I think I’m bored with her.  Seems like she turns up an awful lot these days.  I liked it better when she was only sort of in the public consciousness.  Her mystique would be much better served if she did less.  I guess maybe she’s moved beyond caring about that sort of thing, if she ever did.  Can’t say that I blame her.  Make movies, get paid.  She’s definitely a good actress.  But lest ye forget, she was in Terminator: Salvation.  I think we should all keep that in mind.

What I really took away from The King’s Speech was the pleasant knowledge that there could be a new legit director on the block.  Tom Hooper isn’t even 40 yet and he made this.  Respect.  He also directed the Sam Adams HBO series.  That was probably good, right?  Seems like I heard good things.  Or maybe read them.  Possibly just assumed them.  Either way, I’m following Hooper now.  

So we’re in agreement, The King’s Speech was a very good movie.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m heading to the Angelika to see Even the Rain, a Spanish movie whose trailer caught my eye while I was seeing The Cumpnymin.  I think it’ll be good.  And really, who cares about the FORTY-FIVE MINUTES it’ll take me to get to the theater or the THIRTEEN DOLLARS I’ll spend on the ticket.  Sure its raining, but I’ve got my tiny broken umbrella.  And rain means fewer people in the theater.  Silver lining.

City that never sleeps baby!

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The Cumpnymin

class=in session

With Matt Damon fresh off a career-defining gold stoney award and The Town failing to even snare a nomination, I knew I had to give my boy Affleck a chance to fire back.  The problem, of course, is that Affleck has a tendency to misfire.  We don’t need to re-hash his gruesome rap sheet here*.  His movies are almost always bad.  But I’ve always thought he handled his celebrity well (marriages aside).  Maybe I’m imagining it, but there seems to be a tongue-in-cheek aspect to his acting, like he’s always suppressing a grin.  I think he kind of knows he’s a joke, and is OK with it.  That’s my read.  Of course I don’t know the man, so I could be way off on this. 

*Actually, lets have some fun with this.  I’m going to name all the bad Affleck movies I can remember off the top of my head.  Daredevil.  Changing Lanes.  The Sum of All Fears.  Gigli.  Jersey Girl.  Pearl Harbor.  Reindeer Games.  Armageddon.  Bounce.  He’s Just Not That Into You.  Kevin Smith.  What did I miss?

Damon is pretty clearly the better actor, but I’ve always felt he took himself a bit more seriously, too.  True Grit was awesome, but what about Hereafter, Green Zone and The Adjustment Bureau?  That’s what else he’s been up to in the last year.  Damon gets the good actor cred, but he’s dropped more than his fair share of stinkers too.  For most of the past ten years I’ve found him to be boring and overrated.  Now I’m starting to re-think that (obviously his stint on 30 Rock helped). 

So who does the SFC officially support?  I headed to the 10pm Tuesday showing of The Company Men with that very question weighing heavily on my stoney mind.  There was so much at stake…..

This movie kind of flew under the radar, right?  A little surprising, given the cast.  Aside from the aforementioned Affleck, there’s Kevin Costner, Chris Cooper, Tommie Lee Jones, Craig T. Nelson.  Not the most current of stars, maybe, but still more than most movies are packin’.  Surely that group would be right in our parents’ wheelhouse.  And really, I think almost anyone I know could find someone to respect on that list.  Costner and T-Nels are both hilarious and Chris Cooper does good work.  I could see not liking Tommie Lee Jones (I’m not sure I do), but all in all this is an appealing cast.  It’s what brought me to the theater when I could’ve just given the DVR’ed Serenity another roll in the hay.

The plot centers around corporate downsizing and how it affects those downsized.  It’s supposed to hit home and be relatable for obvious reasons.  The problem is, at first I couldn’t really bring myself to identify with any of these guys.  Yes, they lost their jobs and yes, they feel immense pressure to pay their bills and provide for their families.  But if you make the choice to chase dollars and spend them in the nature depicted, I got no pity for you.  Huge houses, nice cars and multiple children don’t happen by themselves.  They are the result of choices made. 

I guess my real issue is that when I look at some dude in a tie working at a job in finance or whatever, I wonder how he got there.  Was that what he really wanted to do with his life?  Move numbers and papers around?  Or did he end up there in pursuit of the most money possible at all costs?  If it’s the latter, well, there just isn’t really a situation where losing that job can make me feel sorry for him.  Get in a gross world, and gross things may happen to you.  Those are the ropes. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have businessman friends.  Plenty of them.  I don’t begrudge them their careers.  I’m just not going to have much of a reaction when I hear _____ got fired from Globucorp.  If a guy opens a restaurant or starts a business and it fails?  Them I will feel for.  As a matter of fact I’m always a little bummed when any local business closes, even if I never went there.  When the tattoo parlor with the confederate flag shuttered its windows I was like, “I’m gonna miss those guys.”  The legions of law school graduates and MBAs struggling to find work don’t elicit the same feelings. 

Another issue is that most of these characters just weren’t that likable.  Affleck is a prick, Cooper is a creep, Jones’ face looks weird.  The only one I consistently liked was Costner, and a lot of that was because he played a contractor a la my boys The Mask and Ol’ Nuts.  Whenever they’d show him and his crew working my inner monologue would say “thats like what the Mask and his crew does.”  Work gloves and such.  Stuff I wish I could do but know I’ll never pull off.  I don’t even own a screwdriver.  My toolkit is a hammer and these scissors:

Affleck is the character whose journey is followed the closest.  Technically he shares “main character” duties with Jones, but its him you’re meant to identify with.  Jones is already old and rich.  Affleck gets laid off early on and the movie, at its core, is about how he deals with it. 

At first I didn’t like the way they played this.  He basically alternates between pouting and pretending nothing is wrong.  He’s indignant.  And even as his savings run out and his wife has to return to work (which he, naturally, OPPOSES!), he refuses to acknowledge reality.  This was overdone.  I’ve got to blame writer/director John Wells.  He’s worked mostly in television, and it shows.  There were casual mistakes throughout the film that really threw off the rhythm.  Or at least, prevented it from ever pushing through and accessing the viewer’s emotions as only the best dramas can.  Not huge, embarrassing errors, but little stuff.  When Affleck eats lunch with Costner and his crew one afternoon, he does so 20 feet away by himself and with his head down, like a 10-year-old at lunch.  This is meant to convey his separateness, but Wells goes too far with it.  A mistake he makes repeatedly.  This is clearly a guy who is used to working in prime-time television.  There’s a scene featuring Rosemarie DeWitt (who I really liked otherwise) rubbing lotion on her legs that is just bizarre.  It’s like something you’d see on Desperate Housewives.

In the end though, Affleck’s journey wins you over.  He becomes a character you pull for, and the transformation isn’t less satisfying for having happened slowly.  Personally, I do have a hard time believing real downsized executives behave as he initially did, but I suppose that doesn’t really matter.  This is a story, after all.  One that slowly draws you in, in a way that you hardly even notice.  It was a 2-hour personal progression from skeptical to absorbed.  It was only as it neared the end that I realized the movie had won me over.

Put real actors to work in a real drama and I’m probably going to like it.  Give me a storyline other than “boy meets girl” and I’m probably going to like that, too.  The Company Men does both.  A better director probably could’ve done more with it, but Wells wrote it too, so I can’t really begrudge him his control.  Still, this movie really would’ve been well served by a set of fresh eyes just before they called it quits.  A few key edits could’ve taken it from “kinda good” to “pretty good.”  A massive jump, that.

As for Affleck, he will remain my boy.  I actually think this may have been some of his best work as an actor.  I sort of forgot I was watching him after a while.  My inner monologue stopped repeating “Affleck” after he said or did anything.  Look, I know he’s got a huge head and he married J-Lo and he’s from Boston.  All horrible things*.  And Damon did just win that gold stoney. 

*If I had a normal-sized head I’d be running this town.  People find big heads annoying.  Its fine, I get it. 

Still, I prefer Affleck.  As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, amen.

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And the Stoney Goes To…..

I know you’re all on the edge of your seats (or toilets), but I should probably clarify something before I hand out these awards: I am not a real film critic.  I’m a stoney film critic.  The qualifications for the two are very different.  One requires a degree, training, and an analytical mind.  The other requires some weed and the desire to spend time alone in dark rooms.  This ain’t the oscars, its the stoneys.  Keep that in mind. 

I was tinkering with ways to have my readers act as presenters, but I just couldn’t figure out how to make it work.  It basically would’ve required that each presenter write an introduction to each award.  I know I could tap the right people for something like that, but I didn’t think I’d get all the intros submitted in time so I tabled the idea.  Next year, there will be presenters. 

And now, without further ado, the 2010 Stoney Awards:

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The 2010 Stoney Award Nominees!

Is it possible Charlie Wax will be snubbed at the stoney awards?

OK gang, its that time of year again (for the first time).  No need to dance around it.  Let’s get to the cock. 

Best Picture: Shutter Island, MacGruber, Inception, Greenberg, True Grit, The Kings Speech

Worst Picture: Legion, From Paris With Love, Season of the Witch, Copout, A-Team, Hereafter

Best Lead Actor/Actress: Will Forte- MacGruber, Mia Wasikowska- Alice In Wonderland, Jeff Bridges- True Grit, Natalie Portman- Black Swan, Hailee Steinfeld- True Grit, Greta Gerwig- Greenberg

Best Supporting Actor/Actress: Matt Damon- True Grit, Nic Cage- Kick Ass, Barbara Hershey- Black Swan, Hugo Weaving- The Wolfman, Christian Bale- The Fighter, Geoffrey Rush- The King’s Speech

Worst Lead Actor/Actress: Jonathan Rhys Meyers- From Paris With Love, Lucas Black- Legion, Dany Boon- Micmacs, Mary Louise Parker- Red, Jessica Biel- The A-Team, Bradley Cooper- The A-Team

Worst Supporting Actor/Actress: Gemma Atterton- Clash of the Titans, Michael Sheen- Tron: Legacy, Tyrese- Legion, Kevin Pollack- Cop Out, Frankie and George McLaren- Hereafter, Ben Barnes- The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

Best Director: Christopher Nolan- Inception, the Coen Brothers- True Grit, Martin Scorcese- Shutter island, Tom Hooper- The King’s Speech, Tim Burton- Alice In Wonderland, Ben Affleck- The Town (just kidding)

Worst Director: Kevin Smith- Cop Out, Ridley Scott- Robin Hood, Louis Leterrier- Clash of the Titans, The Hughes Brothers- The Book of Eli, Paul Haggis- The Next Three Days, Pierre Morel- From Paris With love

Best Aesthetic: The Wolfmin, Alice in Wonderland, Tron, Inception, Shutter Island, Micmacs

I’ll be awarding a gold, silver and bronze stoney for each category, Olympics-style.  I merged the “actor” and “actress” awards because I only saw and reviewed 30 movies this year, so I felt like splitting the genders diluted the field somewhat.  There will also be a few special awards for….outstanding achievement….in the feld of…..excellence. 

I’ll give you the weekend to ponder and consider.  The results drop Monday.

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O Blackest Of Swans

not mutually exclusive

Black Swan came out almost two months ago, so I have to assume if you were going to see it, you’d have seen it.  It feels a little silly doing a review this far after the release, but I’d mainly just like to get a dialogue going.  I feel like this movie warrants discussion, and I want a few outside opinions for a variety of reasons. 

First of all, I was extremely hung over when I saw it.  And whats worse, I hadn’t eaten anything other than an apple that day.  My stomach really goes haywire these days if I don’t eat a decent breakfast.  In high school and college I never ate breakfast.  Even my first few years in the real world* I’d often go without.  Now the second my stomach is empty it becomes a crippling malady.  I’m confused by this change.  It’s unsettling. 

*You know, working for my uncle, spooney sales, medical studies.  The real world. 

The combination of my hangover, an empty stomach, and the fact that I’m grossed out easily (except by violence) really worked against me on this one.  I had a tough time with several scenes.  The finger-cutting and toe-stubbing in particular.  Matty no likey.  And the fact that I was oobie doobie ensured I’d be thinking too much about the scenes that disturbed me.  All in all, it was a pretty miserable theater experience.  That definitely affected my impression of the movie.  I kept telling myself not to let it alter my opinion of the film, but how could it not?  We see movies to have a good time, after all.

Another factor was my companion on this hang, who swore she had the movie totally figured out afterwards, and filled my addled brain with what may have been nonsense.  She said the entire movie was about mind control.  I’m not sure how accurate that is. 

What was this movie really about?  I have a feeling when asked that question Darren Aranofsky takes shelter in that land of mysteries directors love so well.  Vague answers, winks, proliferation of theories.  When a director treads that path I’m left to assume its a VERY calculated move.  I simply can’t believe a good director would make a movie without knowing precisely what he/she wants to say.  Is that cynical?  Should I stop trying to define art?  Don’t answer that.  It was a stupid question.

I’m tempted to say this film was overrated, but I don’t want to be that guy.  If a movie these days even hints at originality I try to award points for that.  Black Swan is definitely original.  I’ve never seen anything else remotely similar.  And there is definitely something to be said for a movie about ballet that can appeal to male viewers.  To take a decidedly feminine topic and make a gender neutral movie is no small feat. 

One problem: Dreams, visions, and any type of false reality always strikes me as a bit of an easy way out.  I want a director to be held accountable for each scene and its impact on the viewer.  What Arrenofsky has essentially done is give himself carte blanch to use any startling image or event without being tied to its effect on a real plot.  Because that part of the plot isn’t real.  That feels cheap to me.  Dream sequences and hallucinations almost always do.

I can’t say I loved the casting, either.  Not bad necessarily, but inconsistent.  Look, I’ve got nothing against Mila Kunis personally, but I’m just not ready to take her seriously as an actress.  And I’m definitely inclined to root against someone who became an “it” girl (or boy) without actually doing anything good.  Her success screams “I hired the most aggressive agent and publicist I could find and told them I was willing to do anything to be famous.”  This is a snap-judgement.  But seriously, the girl from That 70s Show in a potential oscar winner?  How did that happen?  What has she ever done well?  They really should’ve stuck with the original plan and gone with Latifah here. 

I’m also pretty sure Winona Ryder is a bad actress, while we’re on the subject.  In fact, at times I’ve found her downright terrible.  This wasn’t her worst effort, but she was an odd choice, to say the least. 

Portman, on the other hand, definitely belongs in movies of this caliber.  She’s very good, we all know that.  And she definitely did a perfect job evincing sheltered, timid and alone.  The viewer has no choice but to pity her almost right from the start.  The stuff with her mom in particular was great.  That was just an excellent character.  Virtually all of my favorite scenes included her in some way (masturbation scene!).  I felt like an entire movie could’ve been made just out of that relationship.  Barbara Hershey is due a major tip-of-the-cap here.  As is Vincent Cassel for his portrayal of Thomas, predatory choreographer extraordinaire.  This truly was the part his face was born to play.  

I’m awarding Black Swan points for plot, aesthetic, and suspense.  But I still can’t shake the feeling that this film is riding a wave of praise it didn’t really earn.  Am I off base here?  Let’s talk about it.  I realize this review is poorly written and irrelevant, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a discussion. 

What think you?

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The Best Trailer I’ve Ever Seen

Uh, yes please!  I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if this movie doesn’t kick ass.  This is what I want.  Right here.  My boy OMD tipped me off a while back.  Then, whilst viewing Black Swan ce soir (Too late to review.  NOT!  Coming soon!), I was once again treated to this masterpiece.  I loves me some trailers.  I think this is the best non-LOTR trailer I’ve ever seen.  I should give them a stoney award.  Actually, come to think of it, I really should issue 2010 stoneys.  Maybe I’ll do that.  If so, expect Macgruber to be highly decorated.  More so than Legion?  Tune in to find out!

So yeah, The Tree of Life.  Drops in May.  Get excited with me.  Written and directed by Terry Malick.  He’s awesome, right?  Although I can’t say The New World looked very good.  Anyone see that?  Help a brother out?

That name again is Tree Of Life (Mr. Plow)

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