Three times this month I sat down to write a review, and three times I fell asleep in my chair before I typed my 100th word. I’m not apologizing for this; I owe you people nothing and I’ve been very tired lately. Just know that I have four reviews on the back-burner, and I’ve not forgotten them. My intention is for June to be a busy month here at the SFC. I know you’re all looking forward to that Priest review. I say to you, you shall have it!
But not yet. Not yet….
What can you say about a guy like Thor? Not much, unfortunately. And therein lies the problem. It’s pretty hard to get behind a hero who has no personality to speak of. Even the comic book version of Thor was never especially interesting to me. He’s arrogant, he’s strong, and……thats it. Oh, and his power comes from a hammer. Not the most engaging of characters as far as I’m concerned.
A couple of months ago I took stock of all the comic book movies coming out this summer and concluded that none of them were likely to be very good. I’ve never been interested in Thor or Captain America and Ryan Reynolds as my boy Hal Jordan is a travesty. This X-Men movie actually looks interesting (god help me), but is more likely to continue that franchise’s laughable descent. I told myself I was only going to see two of these movies. That seemed like a reasonable compromise. Then the first (and possibly stupidest) one comes out and I wander into the nearest theater like a zombie. I can make no headway against these bad movie yearnings. None.
There were a few things I liked about Thor. A scant few. They are as follows:
- Asgard- I’m a sucker for sweeping shots of mythical realms, even if they are CGI.
- Idris Elba– I like Idris Elba. Seeing him in gold armor with a sword was muy bueno.
- Portman’s reaction when they hit Thor in their car was, I thought, perfect. Kinda made me laugh, even.
That’s it. Pretty much everything else was bad. Or if not bad, mediocre. Hopkins was fine I guess. I’m certainly not going to accuse an accomplished pervert like that of mediocrity. His acting is starting to feel like shtick though. Doesn’t delight me as it once did.
I’m also not going to hate on Chris Hemsworth’s performance as the title character, because I feel like he did what they asked him to. Had blond hair, got really jacked. Like, crazy jacked. I always chuckle the first time a male lead takes his shirt off these days. Every one of them is as chiselled as Arnold was in The Terminator. Imagine if when you’d first seen that movie, someone would’ve told you in 20 years time all actors’ bodies would look like that. It would’ve seemed inconceivable. Yet here we are. Progress!
When it comes down to it this movie just doesn’t do anything for you. It has that strange combination of feeling long and yet uneventful that has somehow become common in super-hero movies. You feel like you’ve been in the theater forever, and yet you can’t recall much happening. Fantastic Four was the first movie I saw that really captured this empty feeling. These movies are like cotton candy: they seem plenty big, but when consumed shrink to almost nothing and inevitably leave you unfulfilled.
I get really frustrated when a movie intentionally wastes time. Filler should not exist in cinema. If a movie needs filler, it shouldn’t have been made. If a writer and director are worth a shit they should be cutting down to two hours, not trying to stretch an hour into two. Thor devotes a full five minutes to the hero wolfing down plates of food in a diner while Portman and co. give each other looks like “Who is this guy?!?”
Equally frustrating are the smiley-scenes. See, Thor and Portman are falling in love. You know how it is when you’re falling in love with someone you’ve only known for a day: all smiles. Just looking at each other and grinning. Words not always necessary.
Still, the most annoying aspect of this one for me was, by far, it girl wannabe Kat Dennings*, otherwise known as the not-very-likable daughter from 40-Year-Old Virgin. I didn’t get the memo, but apparently Hollywood has decided she’s funny now. Girlfriend was wisecrackin’ all over this one, lemme tell ya. She was the principal comic relief. A girl who has probably never said anything legitimately funny in her life is plugged in as the funnyman on a movie with an endless budget. That’s where we’re at.
*Guess what gang? Someone hacked into her cell-phone and stole naked pictures of her! And boy is she steamed! Definitely NOT INTENTIONAL. These pictures were for PERSONAL USE ONLY guys. Seriously, whoever stole them from her is fucked up. That is some fucked up shit. But at the same time, the fact that she took these pictures, I don’t know, it adds a certain edge, right? And if that edge should happen to be profitable for her, then so much the better. But to suggest she did this intentionally? Come on guys, grow up. We’re talking about the funny girl from Thor here, she wouldn’t do something like that.
Even the villain just wasn’t very cool. Loki? Really? Reminded me of the dude who played Ozymandias in Watchmen. Was it the same guy? I’m purposefully not going to look that up. Lets discuss it!
I can’t in good conscience recommend Thor even to my nerdiest of friends. It is folly. Makes me wonder about Portman a little, too. The same actress from Black Swan wanted to be in this movie? That just doesn’t make sense to me. Surely these people have goals for their careers, right? Directions they want to go? Dreams they want to chase other than “be famous” and “make money?”
Sorry Hollywood, that was out of line. Please accept my apologies for offending you. “And behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you” (Judges 19:24)
Oh and also, Ray Stevenson again. I feel like he’s following me.